 Overfunctioner... that sounds pretty good, right? An overfunctioner gets things done, takes the lead, reads and meets needs of those around them, is considered strong and reliable. They are often seen as highly competent and effective, which gains them reward within workplace settings. Overfunctioners are often trustworthy, compassionate, and resourceful, which works well within the context of relationships.
As wonderful as these traits are, and as much as others may appreciate these things in us, they come at a cost when you are an overfunctioner. Being an overfunctioner suggests that you may be well-intended but lack healthy boundaries within yourself and with others. The cost of overfunctioning can be particularly high when we don't know how to be any different and we've been functioning like this for a long time, maybe even since we were children. If you are an overfunctioner, you may already know what I mean when I refer to the cost of operating this way through life... emotional and physical fatigue, frustration, anxiety, anger, confusion, resentment, loneliness, feeling taken advantage of, despair, and even hopelessness. Rather than wait until you feel physically ill or full of resentment, it is important to consider if your "doing" includes healthy boundaries, or if you may be overfunctioning. Here are 5 helpful indicators that you might be overfunctioning: 1) Constant fatigue This may seem obvious but, often for an overfunctioner, they feel most connected to people when they are serving them in some way. It is not wrong to enjoy serving others, but if you find that most of your free time is spent sleeping as a result, that can be a cue that your body is sending you to slow down. Sleep hygiene is important to overall well-being so it is certainly not wrong to allow yourself to sleep for longer periods of time when needed. However, if you find that you are craving sleep and never quite feeling rested, it can be helpful to look at your patterns of engaging and see where you could set a reasonable boundary. 2) Withdrawing from others Overfunctioners are known for helping, and often doing for others what they can (and should) be doing for themselves. As with the physical fatigue, you may find that you start pulling away from opportunities to connect with people and isolate more, turn down invitations and shy away from social gatherings. The idea of being with people can simply feel exhausting to an overfunctioner and be perceived as a chore, rather than something that you would typically have found enjoyable. Rather than feeling energized in the presence of others, you feel depleted and potentially burdened. 3) Feelings of anger Although reading and meeting the needs of others is often done from a place of good intention, over time, it can start to chip away at our spirit, especially when it feels like efforts aren't being reciprocated. It is important to recognize that, as an overfunctioner, you might keep placing yourself in situations where you are needed, because you are good at meeting people's needs. You, too, are a person with needs! Overfunctioners can find themselves feeling angry with people they love, having a short fuse or being snappy with people they care about. Relationships and interactions can feel imbalanced, creating anger that others tend to not reciprocate and/or that they overlook you and your efforts. 4) Physical illness Constant stress of overfunctioning takes a toll on our body. In as much as you may enjoy "doing" for people and taking care of them, it is important to take care of your own physical health. Overfunctioners can keep themselves so busy that they avoid their own health care needs, even to avoid setting appointments for routine check ups and ignoring physical cues that could indicate illness. Feelings of vulnerability can arise for overfunctioners just at the thought of receiving help or letting someone care for them. I have sat with many women who completely ignore their own physical pain, yet will make sure their loved ones are getting the medical care they need. To the overfunctioner... you are worth being cared for, too. 5) Loneliness Interestingly, overfunctioners are often the first ones to the meeting and the last to leave. They are the ones who stay up late with family and friends in times of need and constantly find themselves serving and volunteering. Yet, when surrounded by people and even while engaging with them, overfunctioners can feel a tremendous sense of loneliness. There is pain in wondering what might happen if they stopped showing up with all of this "doing" energy, constantly moving toward people and situations to serve and do... would anyone check in with them? Would anyone even notice they weren't there? Many overfunctioners have learned to be this way as a strategy for connecting with others. The trouble is that it works! When we are continually serving people and caring for others, we experience connection on some level and it seems to be effective. Maybe you learned that constantly reading and meeting the needs of a parent or caregiver growing up kept you safe. If you could keep them (parent or caregiver) happy and "okay," they wouldn't hurt you and your home could feel safe. You may have learned that overfunctioning was effective at keeping people close, developing friendships and romantic relationships based on your overfunctioning. Many clients we see at Grace Counseling Associates could easily identify as overfunctioners... people who care deeply for others but, also, find it difficult to set healthy boundaries and who find it difficult to receive help and love from others. I believe that Jesus grieves for us in these places, where we feel alone and hurting, yet putting so much effort into doing for others in hopes that we, and those we care for, will be okay. This is an example of how vulnerabilities in our faith can come to our awareness. We can be strong believers, yet feel vulnerable when thinking about surrendering this way of being in the world for fear we won't be okay. Or fear that those we love will not be okay. If any of what is described here resonates, please know that you are certainly not alone. It is such an internal dilemma to care so deeply, try so hard, yet feel lonely or angry. Therapists at Grace Counseling Associates have walked this walk and are passionate about helping others heal in these places. You can find our provider list HERE to read through our bios and learn more about us and our experience. If you find someone on our team who you think may be a good fit, we welcome you to reach out. Each provider has their own contact form so you can reach us directly.
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